Author: Evan Marc Katz
Just got off the phone with a client and became inspired to
write this piece.
My client is a nice guy. Mid 30's, intelligent, successful, and
serious about finding a relationship.
We've been working together for a few months and he's been
lamenting his lack of success.
I reiterate old themes, try to put things into a much-needed
perspective.
I remind him that it's a competitive space, that it's a buyer's
market for women.
He tells me that he doesn't want to have to lower his standards
for online dating. The same women he can get in "real life"
don't respond to him online.
I remind him that at a party, she doesn't have a hundred men
lined up to talk to her. On Match.com, she does. The strength of
online dating lies in its ability to give us access to total
strangers; the downside is how difficult it is to keep their
attention.
We go over an email that he wrote to a woman. She didn't write
back. He wonders if he did anything wrong. I assure him that he
did not.
He muses that it must be nice to have hundreds of people writing
to you. I let him know that it's a burden for these women - and
that lots of great guys get lost in the shuffle.
He reminds me that each letter he writes that goes unanswered is
a blow to the ego. I told him it shouldn't be. You can't take
online dating personally. Just like a baseball player fails 7
times out of 10, an online dater is going to get a lot more
rejection than acceptance. Don't let the process affect you;
just be grateful for the potential that it presents.
Finally, we get to talking about the woman he's writing to. They
spoke on the phone last night for the first time. The
conversation lasted for an hour and change. She asked for his
number at the end. Mission accomplished. But my client wants
more pointers.
"What do I do next?"
"Email her and tell her you had a lot of fun last night. Mention
something specific from your conversation. Ask her a question or
two. And find out the next time she's available to talk on the
phone."
I'm a big believer in the phone.
"But what about creating mystery? I don't want her to think I'm
too interested."
An old wives' tale, I assure him. But he's citing references
"I read in David DeAngelo that nice guys finish last. And "The
Rules" talks about waiting a week in between conversations to
build up anticipation and establish that you're busy."
I'm paraphrasing, of course. But the gist of it is that all of
the experts out there have people believing that the way to
forge a happy relationship is by playing games.
I wrote about this extensively in a chapter from "Why You're
Still Single" creatively called "Don't Play Games", but to
reiterate: NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF PLAYING GAMES.
Playing games attracts people who plays games. It repels people
who don't want to play games. And everything that you do that is
in the least bit calculating is pushing you farther and father
from what you claim to want - an authentic relationship where
you can be loved and accepted for who you are. Nice guys don't
finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.
Ask most women what they're looking for and you'll get some
version of "a nice guy with a little bit of an edge". They value
his ability to be a man, take control, make decisions, speak his
mind and march to the beat of his own drum. None of those things
prevent a guy from being nice. They just mean that he's not a
desperate kiss-ass.
Nice guys often confuse these two things. Because they've tried
to "nice" their way into women's hearts and failed, they're
convinced that they have to start being jerks. Uh uh. Decent
women have no tolerance for jerks. They just don't want a guy
who values himself so little that he has to try so very hard to
impress.
The confidence that a man projects is the magnetism that draws
women. The kindness is what keeps women there.
Confidence without kindness describes "bad boys" that smart
woman have long ago given up. Kindness without confidence is the
charge against the wishy-washy "nice guys".
But if you put confidence and kindness together…well, I'd say
you have a pretty irresistible combination of traits for a man.
So let's sum up:
Confident men treat women well. Confident men keep their plans
after they make them. Confident men can express vulnerability
and caring without seeming weak.
This territory isn't exclusive to nice guys who finish last.
This is for guys who won't bend over backwards to the point
where they are spineless.
And in case you don't believe me about the game playing, here's
the best example I can provide to make my case:
You know what a woman says when a guy she likes calls her the
day after a date?
"He's so sweeeeet!"
You know what a woman says when a guy she doesn't like calls her
the day after a date?
"He's a creepy, needy, stalker."
The phone call doesn't change her opinion. She's already made up
her mind.
So if you're a nice guy who went on a nice date with a nice
girl, try being authentic and call her the next day.
It would be a nice change of pace.
Read More...
* Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?
* Best of Evan Marc Katz's Advice From a Single Dating Expert
* I'm Resenting My Boyfriend For Not Pulling His Weight
Financially
* What Makes a Man Attractive to Women?
* 12 Things Women May Not Want to Know About What Men Think…
About the author:
Founder of online dating consulting service E-Cyrano and author
of Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You
If You Promised Not To Get Mad" and "I Can't Believe I'm Buying
this Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating,"
Evan Marc Katz has established himself as America's leading
dating expert.
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